you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Randomize
