I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
