Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
