I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
