I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
