Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
This baby is an asshole
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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