What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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