Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
