Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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