I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
This beer is not sobering me up at all
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
