I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
