Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
