it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
