Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
