Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
