And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
