So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
