I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
