Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
