i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Still dying that you shit outside
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
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