I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize