someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
