My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
