I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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