Cold hands, warm shart.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
