when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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