At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
