Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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