after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
