She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize