Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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