How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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