if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
