Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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