i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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