I can't watch pbs sober anymore
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
