We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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