I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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