I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize