I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
