yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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