and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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