Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
