everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
