for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
