Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize