in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
