i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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