Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
