fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
