i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
