Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Someone signed my nipple.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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