he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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