My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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