i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
