I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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