$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
