i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Im part way to drunk.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
